Perhaps you will be rather surprised to hear that I, having unintentionally and for no reason at all lingered into the interesting page of your pictures during my lazy frog-hopping on the internet, felt strangely devastated to find that you have found yet another person to give your supposedly numbed heart to. No, not as devastated as the day you felt it necessary to end our failing relationship, four long years ago, yet I still felt a bit... aberrant - facial flushing, some dysrhythmias, and a sudden profound depression. No, you are quite mistaken, my dear. It is not in my position, nor in my nature, to be jealous! I am merely offended.
Why offended, you ask? Well, it is clear that this four-eyed blimp of a person is clearly inferior to me, intellectually or physically. Why you have chosen him is beyond me. At least your high-school ex-boyfriend, whom you outrightly dated after we parted, could have had boasted that he is better-looking than I am, allegedly. Hah, he is well-known for making such silly claims. However, might I mention that he is hilariously funny (we've met through a friend of yours, the one you enviously refer to as 'my princess'). Yes, yes, I am sure your present gentleman friend, whom you endearingly call your 'labs' (not short for lovehandles, I hope), is very nice.
What? Why, that's not true at all. I did not go to any appalling sessions of alcohol indulgement with our common friend, nor have I openly verbalized my feelings in public, sober or drunk. That lying sack of horse manure! I sternly deny all his unfounded babbling (except that part where I shamelessly flirted with a long-haired, pretty lass). I was home and watching television last saturday, dove. Besides, as I have already told you, I gave up drinking. You must not believe everything people tell you, friend or not, specially that alcoholic buffoon.
Anyway, as I was saying, where was I? Oh yes, of course - I am certain that this concocted frivolity, this flirting, will soon end for I can see that you do not love him. Oh yes, it is merely so; and I tell you that, sad as it might, you do not love him. I can see it from the flickering of your eyes that you do not. Horrible? I am horrible? Ah, forgive me. I was simply joking. You smile. But of course I only desire your happiness, my dear, which I very much pray that you have finally found, for if not, remember that I am forever at your service. Cheers.
Oh, don't be ridiculous! I am not jealous.