It's been rather dreary the past few days I've spent here. I'm trying to look forward to what I'm going to do to get through tomorrow. I've gotten tired of reading. And hell couldn't get any hotter and more humid than it is here, makes it hard to stay indoors (because my room literally becomes an oven past ten o'clock) yet what am I going to do outside? Go to a mall? Spend duldrum hours on the internet? Pay for a study center? I've done it all and still... everything seems so... boring. Kinda like a horrible premonition for the coming days, especially when the holy week comes. I can't stay here, I'm nearly at my wit's end. The review's gonna start two weeks from now anyway.

I have to go home.

Fortunately, I have a classmate who feels the same, they're reviewing for a different exam. They're taking CGFNS this July. Heh, lucky them. I couldn't say I don't envy them for I do, so much. Anyway, we agreed to buy tickets together. My classmate's a she, who also brought another she, and I ended up paying for their fares. I wonder why that is? Everytime I accompany a girl to the mall, she expects me to pay for everything. I'm not even courting. Thank God they didn't make me pay for their tickets, or I would've left them instantly. Well, they didn't so :-)

(Sigh) I'm going home on Wednesday. At least something to look forward to. I've missed my dog.

The Trapeze Swinger

The Trapeze Swinger

Please, remember me
Happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention.

But...

Please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like "We'll meet again"
And "Fuck the man"
And "Tell my mother not to worry"
And angels with their great
Handshakes
Were always done in such a hurry.

And...

Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We'd forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
And now you're lit up by the city.

So...

Please, remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower
Calling passers-by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Gleam and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like "Lost and found"
And "Don't look down"
And "Someone save Temptation".

And...

Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burn babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Beside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapeze
Swing as high as any savior.

But...

Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above their running
In circles around the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter
So bright with cinder gray
And spray paint
"Who the hell can see forever?"

And...

Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turned from me
And said, "The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last"
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger.

So...

Please, remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if I make
The pearly gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of God and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissing on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swingers.

~Iron and Wine, The Trapeze Swinger

---

I've been listening to this song a lot lately. Hmm...

Convinced, finally, that the matter of the June 2006 Board Exam fiasco isn't going to end until my hair's all gray, I decided to quit my job and take the entire examination again. What the hell, if I fail... well... I fail. But that, to me, is inconcievable. I don't believe that I would fail, not really. But there's that... hint of uncertainty, just slightly, but enough to make me scan the untouched pages of my nursing books I left lying around my room for an entire year, certainly enough for me to find myself in Cebu again, enrolled for a review, and hoping to evade the propensity for depressive episodes I found waiting for me with open arms at the port.

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

~Edgar Allan Poe

"Adik sa'yo, awit sa akin..."

Pasado hating-gabi na, lahat ay balot sa katahimikan. Dahan-dahang bumabagsak ang ambon sa kapaligiran sabay ng unti-unti paglamig ng ihip ng hangin. Inilabas ko ng isang istik ng sigarilyo at sinindihan ito, ang tanging kasama ko sa kadiliman ng gabi. Hindi ako makatulog, sinusumpong ng insomnya, kaya naisipan kong lumabas sa munti naming veranda. Napakatahimik. Tama lang - para walang mangi-estorbo sa aking ka-dramahan at pagmumuni-muni sa pangungulila ko sa'yo.

"Tilang sawa na sa aking... mga kuwentong marathon..."

Gaano na ba katagal? Gaano katagal nang huli kitang naka-usap, nang huli kong narinig ang boses mo, nang huli kong nakita ang mga ngiti mo, nang huli kong narinig ang mga tawa mo na dati'y puno ng buhay at saya? Oo. Mag-iisang taon na nga pala. Napakatagal na. Ngunit parang kailan lang ay magkatabi tayong nag-uusap at hawak ko ang palad mo. Sa tuwing naiisip kita, hindi ko maiwasang mapabuntong-hininga at manghinayang. Naging mabuti sana tayong magkaibigan - kung naiwasan lang natin ang pagbabangayan.

"Tungkol sayo... at sa ligayang..."

Pinilit kong kalimutan ka, palitan ka, kahit na kamuhian ka para lang hindi ko na kailangang lumingon pa - pero parati ko pa ring natatagpuan ang sarili kong hinahanap ka. Minsan nakikita kita sa dating tagpuan natin, ngunit nawawala kapag ako'y lumapit. Nababaliw na nga siguro ako. Gusto kong kumustahin ka, marinig ang nasa isip mo, malaman ang mga bagay-bagay sa buhay mo ngayon. Nami-miss ko ang dati nating mga pag-uusap dahil ikaw lang talagang, malamang ang nag-iisa, nagpumilit unawain ako. Ilang beses kong ninais na tawagan ka, na kahit pa puno ng pagkayamot ang boses mo, para lamang marinig kang muli, para mapaniwala ko ang sarili ko na andiyan ka pa rin at hindi sa panaginip lang - pero hindi ko magawa. Wala na akong magawa. Huli na ang lahat.

"Iyong hatid... sa aking buhay..."

Inaamin ko, napakatanga ko para hindi malaman ang halaga ng isang tao - hanggang siya’y wala na sa akin. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kahirap ang mabuhay sa pagsisisi. Ang paglingon sa nakaraan na nangangarap na sana’y taglay ang kapangyarihang mabago ito. Ang humawak ng buong lakas sa alaala ng nakaraan ng isang tao dahil alam mong ito lang ang iisang magandang nangyari sa buhay mo. Ang magtanong sa sarili kung anong kinahinatnan ng lahat kung nasabi mo lang ang tamang salita, kung naipahiwatig mo lang ang tunay na nadarama, kung nagmahal ka lang nang buo’t walang takot. Ito’y parang isang kumunoy na dahan-dahan kang hinahatak pailalim.

"Tuloy ang bida sa isipan ko'y ikaw..."

May nakapag-sabi sa akin na may nagmamay-ari na raw sa puso mo. Pinilit kong hindi magpa-apekto, pero kahit ako ay hindi handa sa naramramdaman ko. Pakiramdam ko'y nalulunod ako, nagpupumiglas para lang makahinga. Sa paulit-ulit na pagpapaalam ko sa'yo - ngayon ko lang nalaman na wala pala akong sineryoso ni isa. Sabi nila, kapag mahal mo talaga ang isang tao, dapat kang magparaya kahit na ang kapalit ay ang magpa-alam. Sa pagtila ng ambon, sa pagka-ubos ng yosi ko, sa paghayo ng ihip ng hangin, naitanong ko sa kawalan ng kadiliman - saan? Saan ako magsisimulang magpa-alam sa'yo? Pakiusap, puwede bang sabihin mo sa akin?

"Sa umaga't sa gabi sa... bawat minutong lumilipas..."

"Hinahanap-hanap... hinahanap-hanap kita..."

---

April 2005