For months after my uneventful return from Cebu, I have willingly shackled myself inside our house like a hermit, isolated from the rest of the world, did absolutely nothing- but waited. The cause of this voluntary imprisonment, and pausing my world into a state of suspended animation, is that one decisive letter that would change my fate- my great expectation, the fulfillment of my dreams, my one opportunity for a financially secure future. The letter, of course, supposedly contains a confirmation that my application to take the NCLEX has been approved (or something of that sort, I am unsure since it was rather my first). And so I have put off all possibilities of romantic relationships, ignored the temptation of work, suffered the most undignified position of being penniless- and just waited, and waited some more. Alas, despite all the eager anticipation and the miserable pains that came along with it- the letter, nor anything that resembles it, did not come. Ultimately, my limited patience ran out, worse than the this country's rice shortage, and I am left utterly disillusioned, dejected, and hopelessly lost.

Oh, yes- and outrightly infuriated, as well. I have wasted an entire year without accomplishing anything, not mentioning the effort and money invested into that application, the painful studying- all have counted for nothing! Hah! My cabin fever-laced anger notwithstanding, I have little choice in the matter but to abandon the pursuit, even if just temporarily, and try to consider other options. Badly in need of money, and perhaps to restore some of my crumbling pride and sense of purpose, I have decided to return to my abandoned practice- as a nurse- if there is such a thing nowadays. I have heard some word that we nurses have to actually pay the hospital to be able to work. I have no idea what sort of bullshit is that (there are signs, however, that the government is trying to reverse this, but whether it is true in this part of the country is another question)- remembering the physical and mental torture that I have gone through the last time I was a 'ward nurse', I have not the inclination to pay even a penny to go through it all again. However, if I could retake my previous work, along with its pitiful salary, I would be- well, contented. I am tired of living like a hermit- I must go back to my life.

To hell with the NCLEX!