I fail to remember whether it was I, out of my being 'affected' and all that, or was it her? who started this sudden unnerving silence. I am more inclined to believe that it was the latter (she has done it in the past, you know) for obscure reasons I have yet to ascertain. Whatever her reasons may be, if there are indeed any, for bluntly imitating a mute, she dare not say. As for me, I have deftly avoided being near the computer, except perhaps for occasions such as this, and uninstalled my messenger program, although in futility (my sister installed it back again). For, even if it were undeniably pleasant and had me suddenly singing songs of love (much to the curiosity and annoyance of the house), there is nothing to be had in conversing with her as there is nothing to be had in pricking one's eye with a rusty nail. I still treasure the friendship we have (or had), of course, but this 'chatting' will not do for it is most detrimental to me and is the foremost culprit for my being wretched. I rather prefer we communicate in other less-frequent, less-personal, less emotionally-damaging methods; to lessen the dosage, as it were. I am missing her terribly, and at times unbearably, for she fills my thoughts the entire day and would frolic in my dreams every night - but I shall continue to be firm, even without the benevolent aide of alcohol, in putting her out of my head completely. It is only prudent and, perhaps, for the best (my feeble attempt to convince myself) and indeed it gained me precious time to be allowed to return to my studies, which has laid in neglect like an obsolete cellphone for days now, and to restore my lost focus back to my present ventures. My receiving a confirmation letter, one which I have anxiously waited a month to arrive, from the CGFNS yesterday served as a soothing consolation to my throbbing misery. The letter gave me, at least, an indication that things were moving along at a steady, if not expedient, pace - thus, renewed my energy upon readying myself for the anticipated NCLEX. I still hope, however, that Stella would send word, if only to declare that I have not earned her ire, and relieve my apprehension for her strange uncommunicativeness - because her friendship, which is all that is left of what we once had, is something that I cherish more than any other.

---

She said, quite vaguely, that 'the bloodiest battles in life are those fought for things that are already lost' - are they not, may I add, the most noble as well?

"I promise you a day will come when our children and grandchildren will look back and they'll ask one of two questions. Either they will ask, 'What in god's name were they doing? Didn't they see the evidence? Didn't they realize that 4 times in 15 years the entire scientific community of this world issued unanimous reports calling upon them to act? What was wrong with them? Were they too blinded, numb by the busyness of political life or daily life to take a deep breath and look at the reality of what we're facing? Did they think it was perfectly alright to keep dumping 70 million tons every single day of global warming pollution into the earth's atmosphere? Did they think all the scientists were wrong? What were they thinking?' Or, they'll ask another question. They may look back and they'll say, 'How did they find the uncommon moral courage to rise above politics and redeem the promise of American democracy and do what some said was impossible and shake things up and tell the special interests, ok we've heard you and we'll do the best we can to take your considerations into account, but we're gonna do what's right."

~Al Gore

Is the world going to end? Well, I need not ask. I know that the world will one day end. Everything eventually must, you know, one way or the other. It is inevitable. But will I live long enough to see it? I only dare ask for- I want to see it. It may be an utterly morbid and unbearably tragic a thing to want to witness, but I do, I want to see it. I was never there when the world began and so, at least, I want to be there when it ends. And I believe I will, sooner than everyone anticipated, already I am seeing the portentous manifestations of its beginnings.

The expediency of the world's demise is mainly due to our credit. I do not exactly know, and I do not pretend to assume, how we got here without an inkling where we were going, but here we are- knocking at the bleak gates of Global Warming, scratching our heads and trembling all over. Now, it may have been possible we could not have foreseen this, that we are, in a way, innocent; but surely there has been clear warnings in the past. It has taken such a ridiculously long time, but we are beginning to realize, and accept, that it is indeed possible: that we are, at present, baking our asses in an increasingly-pyretic, greenhouse gas-enriched atmosphere and putting into motion chain of consequences that will ultimately lead to, well- the end of the world!

Our hesitant realization and our meager amends has come, I fear, rather too late. Global Warming is irreversible. Nature itself would take hundreds of thousands of years to repair all the damages we have wrought. We can slow it, perhaps, but it cannot be stopped. We are sooner to exhaust all remaining fuels that we can drill out of the earth's bosom, in our blind drive for economic development and progress, than to make earnest and assertive efforts to avert our fate. Soon, we shall pay the consequences of our ignorance, our indifference, our indolence, our greed. We will reach the temperature 'tipping point'and the world will be engulfed in hellish unabating fever or nature will plunge it into a bitter eternal winter. Eitherway, the world shall end and, with it, so shall human civilization- and I will welcome it.

It is only justice for what we have excessively taken and ignored to give back.

---

Humans, behold your final outstanding achievement- you have reset the world!

How wrong was I to think that I could relish some semblance of peace and tranquility, away from the irksome cares of the world! I deem complete and peaceful seclusion necessary for nursing a weary, weary heart; alas! it all came to a precipitous end just recently by Stella who, like a rousing spectre emerging from the dark graves of years ancient, came unannounced to torment me. Her artless message came one uneventful evening, comprising only of a few words, and asking me how I was. Ha! Indeed. This unexpected attempt at establishing contact between us, which has long since been violently rended due to heated exchanges in the past, surprised me to the extent that my eyes nearly detached themselves from their sockets upon seeing her unmistakable words, ended by the familiar 'alias of affection'.

I suppose I could have ignored the aforementioned message, have I known the onslaught that lay within its wake, and it would have been the end of it. However, no matter how intent and resolute I am in forgetting her and putting our past behind me, incredible as it may seem, I simply could not help myself. Like an unfortunate mariner lured in by the seductive songs of sirens, I find myself powerless to resist the temptations of having the pleasure of conversation with her, my 'worthy foe', once more. Thus, eventually, I give in to my weakness and replied to her inquiry with wary congeniality. Technology afforded the means of communication between her, sitting comfortably in Singapore, and I, squatting in the humidity of a backwater country. We chat for long hours (often at the expense of my household chores), until our eyes become inflamed or finally succumbing to the pangs of hunger.

We talk of past and present undertakings, of future plans, of old dreams and aspirations, of trivial things (but leaving out that dark stain that was the antecedent to our previous virulent severance). We talk and laugh as though we have never been apart or imbittered. Familiar emotions flow through me. I wince at all the throes and pains I once felt during my three years-long crusade of purging her from my heart and thoughts; yet, also astoundingly elated, even happy, like a giddy boy holding in secret an infatuation for a pretty, more giddy girl. As I have predicted, long extinguished embers begin to glow anew into life and threaten to wholly devour me into their flaming mouths. Although I could not be faulted for feeling emotions that she has unintentionally stirred (for she is, as she said, 'charming'), it is , I agree, rather misplaced and inappropriate - for her precious heart belongs to someone else.

Do you see now my bourgeoning predicament? That fact, an afflicting disappointment (nothing short of a spear through one's heart) as it was, doesn't appear to affect my feelings at all, strangely enough. I came to realize that her recent efforts in re-establishing friendly interactions may not be for purposes of romance (foolish wretch!) but perhaps rooted upon a realization, as I have, that we were friends before we were lovers, and that friendship in itself, after all is said and done, is too precious to be allowed to die. I might be inclined to believe it, indeed I must, had it not been for an entry in her blog, curiously entitled 'P.S. I'm Still Not Over You', containing a suspicous undertone to the contrary. Or is it? I guess I shall never know her true feelings or intentions, and neither will she of mine, for, ruled by pride and gentility, I am steadfast in that the stupid sentiments, which I may have lately developed, remain unvoiced and undeclared - for the sake of us both.

---

Mon amour, je t'attendrai toute ma vie.

I was at my old school sometime last week, with a purpose of procuring some documents, and chanced upon an old friend of mine. I call her Stone, for that's her name (her parents apparently deemed it necessary for her appelation to exude manly strength, thus), much to her annoyance. I alone apparently call her by it, however, to the point that she no longer cared and perhaps even thought it sweet. She was pleasantly surprised to see me, having been apart for more than a year, and swiftly snatched my hands and proceeded forth directly to interrogate me. I felt suddenly like a prosperous traveler returning home from a bountiful jorney, only that - I wasn't. Not at all, for heaven's sake. And so, awkwardly removing my hands from her bony clutches, asked her instead of what she has been up to.

What was I to tell her? That I have been here, detained and baking my nuggets in this infernal house, insultingly charged with acting as its cook and janitor, my life and professional career on hold, keeping company my brother's new wife and a dog suffering from post-partum depression, without a source of income whatsover (except the occasional 'encode and print'), and eternally waiting for fate to mercifully end my misery? No, I shall betray nothing of the sort. My battered dignity has suffered enough beating. I am at present trying to put into motion the tedious process of applying for the NCLEX, something I conveniently did not disclose, and which may I say has the potential to be more complicated than a lobotomy. The waiting, as I have mentioned, is most exasperating. I have never been a patient person all my life, and this, I tell you, has me dangling at the end of my wits! I busy myself now with study and physical exertion, however, no palliative activity can mask the awful feeling of a degrading pride.

I am at present seriously contemplating employment, which obviously would mean the sacrifice of studying. Employment would, nonetheless, solve my financial problems and restore my somewhat diminished sense of worth. But should I forfeit my examination preparation for the benefits of work? I, dislike it as I might, do not think so. The reason is vague to me but I believe it is necessary to continue this hermit life and to return only to my profession with renewed energy and passion when I have finally accomplished the aforementioned undertaking. To get it over with, as it were. Besides, I have only one chance of slaying the NCLEX, like an abhorrent winged daemon, and it would require my utmost concentration and single-minded devotion. For there is nothing more after this but to bury one's head in earning an honest living even if it is barely enough to purchase and replace my moth-eaten underwear. And to await anew my so-called 'great expectations' - which look, as of yet, so far away.

Stone, looking rather like a matchstick more than ever, absentmindedly ignored my question and expressed her delight in our accidental meeting - until a male friend of hers dressed in feminine robes rudely interrupted us, entreating her to fix his dress without even a word of apology. Never missing a cue and remembering my existing appointment, to which I was relatively late, excused myself and hurriedly left. Stone texted me later that night and we continued our conversation. She has recently, as she so boastfully stated (and which I have already suspected), a new boyfriend. It reminded me, so suddenly and without warning, of Stella and how a certain gentleman friend of hers has somehow affected her seemingly harmless smiles. Severing my ties with society has had one significant effect that I have forgotten to mention - my social life, and in effect, my romantic life (no matter how relatively dormant it usually is), is sacrificed as well. I shrugged it off easily enough, however, it made me more eager to part with the balls and chains that has me tied down to my present despicable situation. As I begged farewell, I have a feeling that I will not see my increasingly-gaunty friend nor of the outside world for a long while.

Ah well, have I not always desired a moment of utter privacy?