During a chat with a female friend a few days ago, she had so abruptly mentioned and without my asking, upon coming to the subject of my apparent singlehood, a surprising news about Stella, my beloved ex-girlfriend. Since I last saw her, my beloved ex, I have not dared inquire about her or of any circumstances of her life for I have since pledged to myself with a resolve to forget her. Furthermore, she was with a dear 'someone' then, whom I thought she would be happy to be with, which provided me the ultimate reason to stay away. And so, I am surprised to hear that she is presently single, and has been for quite a long time now without any inclination to be in a relationship, as my friend had informed me.

The mention of her and her present life, although it should be of no concern to me, not anymore, has left me thinking about her since. Well, I should rather say that I have never succeeded in forgetting her, and have always thought about her, and dreamed of her, and prayed for her, and missed her terribly. It has been three years, and it is a wonder to me how it became that long a time, yet I still feel a treacherous stab of pain through my chest at the mere mention of her name, at the sight of her across the street, at the hearing of her voice, or her laughter. I have cursed myself, many many times before, at why I continue to so terribly punish myself with her memory; still I try to push myself, harder and harder, but always with a failure, in putting her out of my mind and out of my heart and move on.

Our last conversation, in text messages, consisted of my eternal apologies and her still fiery hatred of me, my farewell and her silence, my consequent death and her triumph. No amount of alcohol then could anesthesize me from the severe pain of my losing her, it was as if I was a child, trying to understand the concept of death for the first time with great difficulty. Yet, I had to stay away for her heart no longer belongs to me, for she has gladly given it to someone else, but she never made it a point to return mine. I have bid my farewell, as many times as I could count, hoping that inside I really meant it - and now I realize that I never believed in any of it at all - for, like a returning phantom, she haunts me now.

Why do these feelings, these memories, persevere despite my best efforts to shun them? despite time? despite her hatred of me? Do I really love her? or am I merely in love with the idea of her and I? Could it be just remorse? guilt for what I did and what I didn't do? for what I said and didn't say? Her heart is now free - and what of it? Should I intrude into her life once more, to revive a love that has long since been dead? to awaken her bitter disdain of me that has been sleeping? to dive back into the quicksand from whence I have been trying all these years to extricate myself? And for what's sake? I love her, I think I do still, as I have never loved anyone before-

But could that, singly, be reason enough?