I have come to realize, or rationalize, that perhaps the real source of my 'unconcern' regarding the examinations is that I just don't give a shit anymore whether I pass or fail, hopeless and dispirited perhaps that I have surrendered completely what has motivated me in the first days of the review, a 'dream' to be on the top ten (gratitude towards my instructor at UC who has propagated such a ridiculous idea in my head). I can laugh at it now. How ambitious I was to even think that!

I have underestimated the difficulty of studying alone, having to contend with boredom and isolation for three months. Could it be that which ultimately wore down my enthusiasm? It has become increasingly difficult to maintain focus and concentration on my studies lately, I drag my brain like a heavy stone across every page, and the tedious process tires me easily. A friend of mine who is studying for the CGFNS also complains from the same, he has only been here for a month.

Listening to music from an old walkman seems to help, sometimes.

I'm uncertain, but I think a part of me wants to fail; so I could have a second chance, to bring my dream back, to regain a lost passion, to start all over again (how I like the phrase). Although, I realize too, that this is selfish, unfair, most of all, to my parents who have financially shouldered my finances since March. How can I suffer them to go through the indignation that their son has failed and that all their efforts were in vain? Can I even bear another 6 months of uncertainty, anticipation, and hellish review? No, failure is unthinkable.

Thoughts and feelings may conflict - but I know what must be done.